DECEMBER 2000

 

BITS & PIECES          or

        THE EDITOR’S CHIT CHAT - By David Taylor

see, I never spoke a word. Of course, in this instance, I have to admit that the term “party idiot” was used in the context of someone being the life & soul of the gathering.

And yes, Mr Sutherland, with the contents of your e-mail to Mel having been revealed, I take it that reference to Gill’s legs & breast did actually relate to the turkey she was to provide!

All in all a very good dining in, & the thanks of all diners are extended to Dick, Gill, & all their helpers. Lets do it again sometime soon.

                         The evening’s festivities had been preceded by our third, first-Saturday-of-the-month daytime opening - if you can make sense of that -  this time with the added magnetism of Madam Marianne’s Magnificent Mach Three Memorabilia Machine; if you want a bit of alliteration. Marianne was, as usual, well supported by husband John, the irrepressible Mel Smith - who, one imagines, could well sell igloos to Eskimos - & the glamorous Winnie Kilvington; hubby Jack was manning the bar - in between rushing out to assuage the dreaded parking meter’s seemingly insatiable appetite.  Waiting in the wings were Ray Kidd & Arthur Roantree, & despite a seeming lack of backing from either radio or the press, the day ended up being well worth the effort.

Now that some of us are thinking ahead to next year’s holiday, do remember to take out adequate insurance. One to be recommended is that offered by the Travel Protection Group, as advertised in Air Mail, & which has already received a mention in issues number 5 & 8 of this journal. Apart from the reasonable cost, every policy issued by this company attracts a contribution of £1 to the Branch Wings Appeal. But don’t forget, check & make sure the cover suits your requirements before deciding.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Message on a bag of crisps: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special, perhaps?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The following letter came to me via Irving Machell (who seems to know all the Canadians), & is from Ken Wright, a life member who resides in... Well, let Ken tell it.

Just a few lines about our life in Canada. Our daughter, Jennifer, came over here in 1966, & son, John, in 1968. We came over on holiday in 1984 &, on the journey home, decided that if it were possible to move over here, we would do so. It did prove possible, so, in 1985, the paperwork complete, we made the move. Jennifer lives in Vancouver, & John in a town called Smithers, much farther to the north. Although Vancouver is a beautiful city, my wife & I, deciding life there would be too hectic, headed for Smithers. Here we found ourselves trying to come to terms with the harsh winters: down to -40° C in Jan & Feb, with up to 6 feet of snow. We see lots of bears, moose & deer, around. In fact, not long ago, a girl out jogging was attacked & killed by a bear, in town!

The article on welfare amused me. [A Broad look at Welfare - issue No.8 - in which we stated that, “....will result in an HWO appearing on the applicant’s doorstep, a smile on his face.”] I though if I applied, & you sent someone out to see me, at -40 that special smile would be frozen on his face all the way home.

Although I do not know a lot of the members now, it is still good to keep in touch with events in the Branch. Please keep up the good work for those who are far from home.

Kenneth Wright

 

Thank you Ken. We try our best, & it’s always nice to know that one’s efforts are appreciated.

 

---

               THE LAST STRAW

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Rippington, always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Rippington walks over to the Smith house & knocks on the door.  The wife answers. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

"TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD," she hollers.

"I'll tell him."

                              *       *

Which prompts me to offer the reminder that the club bar continues to open for the additional hours of 11:00 to 15:00 on the first Saturday of every month. So, whilst your wives take care of all that boring old shopping, why not drop in for a drink & a chat? You can always plan to meet up here later.

                              *       *

COMPUTER LINGO FOR TECHNOPHOBES ....

No prizes for guessing this originates in the American backwoods. (Or maybe even Smithers, BC!)

1/Log on - Make the wood stove hotta.2/Log off - Don't add no more wood.3/Monitor - Keep an eye on that wood stove.4/Download - Getting the firewood off the truck.5/Floppy disk - What you get from trying to carry too much firewood.6/Ram - The thing that split that firewood.7/Hard drive - Getting home in the winta.8/Prompt - What the mail ain't during the winta.9/Window - What to shut when it's cold outside.10/Screen - What to shut during black fly season.11/Screen saver - Duct tape for the torn window screen.12/Byte - What the black flies do.13/Bit - What the black flies did.14/Megabyte-What the BIG black flies do during trout season.15/Chip - Munchies for TV.16/Microchips - The crumbs in the bag after you've eaten the chips.17/Modem - What you did to the weeds growing in the driveway.18/Dot matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife.19/Lap top - Where the beer spills when you pass out.20/Software - The dumb plastic knives and forks they give you at Macdonalds.21/Hardware - Real stainless steel cutlery.22/Mouse - What makes the holes in the Cornflakes box.23/Main frame - What holds the house up, hopefully.24/Enter - The only way to win those magazine competitions.25/Web - What a spida makes.26/Web site - The corners of high ceilings.27/Cursor - Someone who swears.28/Search engine - What you do when the car dies.29/Home page - Map you keep in your back pocket in case you get lost in the woods.30/Upgrade - Steep hill.31/Server - Waitress.32/Mail server - Male waitress; damn few out here.33/Sound card - Hi-tech birthday card that plays music when you open it.34/User - The neighbour who keeps borrowing stuff.35/Browser - A problem moose in the garden or blueberry patch.36/Network - Mending holes in the fishnet.37/Internet - Tricky fishnet repair method.38/Netscape - What haddock do when you don't do your network.39/Online - Good sign there'll be clean clothes this week.40/Offline - The clothes pegs let go and the laundry falls to the ground.    

 

---

                    DAVE’S DIARY

Reunions still abound, & so it was that I escaped what is being termed as the great millennium flood. With the water creeping stealthily up to my door, I elected to abandon ship & head for Birmingham, where the Seletar Assn were holding their annual get-together. The mistake came during the AGM, when it seems I inadvertently opened my mouth to do other than pour drink down, thus collecting the post of membership secretary: so come on all you ex-Seletarites, let’s be hearing from you.

I then returned home to do my King Canute bit at the house, but too late, the water had already receded. It was back the following week, but by then I had stocked up, & had erected my patent flood barrier. Luckily, it didn’t need to stand the test, but no doubt the day will come. Lets you know who your friends are though. Apart from RAFA, I had phone calls from around the world asking if things were OK; they’d all seen it on TV.

All this water did not bode well for the RAFA day at St Crux (Nov 9th), & it was debated whether or not we should go ahead. In the end we did, & the people of York seemed to rally round, turning presumed disaster into a day of triumph. We once more thank all those who turned out to help.

The following evening it was the turn of the Fellowship to play host at the racecourse grandstand suites, their dinner again attracting most of the RAFA membership. Only to be expected when most of them are also members of the York Mess.

The wet weather relented for the Remembrance parade, at which we were well represented, despite an unavoidable number of non-marchers. It went off well &, as usual, there was a large gathering in the club after the march past & salute. The Golden Slipper didn’t fare too badly either, a group of us repairing there for lunch. Which reminds me, now begins the serious round of Christmas lunches, dinners etc.....

                                                         *       *

Message on a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (And that would be how?)

                                *     *

        MARIANNE’S MEMORABILIA

Earlier this year, I took over the responsibility for memorabilia from the late Bob Howat, who as you all know had done this job for many, many years. On looking at the "official" RAFA memorabilia put out by RAFAMAC's, I realised very soon that the scope for both material and profit were very limited. As a Branch we are only allowed a 10% margin, which I am sure you will agree is not a lot for all the effort put in to running this part of the association’s work. I asked some of the Branch Officers if they required me to continue to sell only the official memorabilia, or did they wish me to branch out (maybe spread your wings? Ed), and sell a wider and hopefully more profitable line of goods, bearing in mind that I would at all times have to have a ready supply of our own material. I do not think that I have to tell you the outcome of that conversation. It was, to a man, "Make more money for the Branch." To that end, I took advice from the managers of the shops at both the Yorkshire Air Museum and the Castle Museum, to see what I could sell at country fairs etc, and trying to keep within the aviation/RAF theme. I now source my goods from places such as Westair Reproductions Ltd, and a local firm called Something Special. I was lucky in the fact that I had a ready made team to help me in the form of Winnie  Kilvington, and our good friend Mel Smith from Derby, of whom, more later. Our first outing was at the Lord Mayor's Parade, where both Winnie and I got thoroughly soaked, whilst the men ran round the city with “Fred Flintstone’s Gyrocopter” float. The next outing was for the Charity Fair in Parliament Street, where we did really well. After that came the Giant Model Show at Rufforth during August Bank Holiday. The usual team being supplemented on that occasion by one of our Canadian members, Hal Lewes, who must have been the longest travelled stall holder there. Income that week-end was limited solely by the amount of stock available. That was one lesson we learnt; if you don't have the goods, you cannot sell them. Our next outing was supposed to be the Autumn Fair at RAF Linton-on-Ouse, but as we know, that was cancelled due to the floods we were experiencing in the York area. During these outings we have been borrowing the marquee from Area HQ -whenever that was available - but I now have some extremely good news for you all. Next year we will have our own marquee.

I said earlier that you would hear more of Mel Smith, well here it is. Mel (one of our members who lives Derby) has offered to buy a marquee for the Branch. This has now been ordered, and is expected to be with us in January. The marquee will be dedicated to Mel's late wife Margaret - herself a full member of the association - who died in April 1999. I can only very humbly say thank you to Mel on behalf of all of us, for what is surely a very great donation to the Branch. I cannot wait to see it out in all its glory next year.

In later editions of the newsletter, I hope to be able to sell some of the items by "MAIL ORDER" One item that I have which may be of interest to some of you is a signed print of a 1FTS Tucano. There are only three left, out of ten. [Prints, that is. Although the Tucano may have had its problems of late, the situation wasn’t quite that bad! Ed.] These prints are signed by Grp/Cpt Edge, Linton’s last CO of the old millennium, and Grp/Cpt Cornfield, first CO of the new millennium. At £10.00 + postage they are a bargain, so first come first served.

Marianne Sutherland

                                *     *

Thanks Marianne. Everyone who has seen the new layout would agree that you have done a marvellous job. It shows in the income also. We all also owe a great debt of gratitude to Mel Smith, his generous offer far exceeds the meaning of dedication to the Branch & its members. Not bad lads these ex-Boy Entrants, you see.

---

Message seen on Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: printed on bottom of the box. Do not turn upside down. (Oops! Too late! You lose!)

                                *     *

The club will be open as usual over  Christmas & New Year, with even the odd extra event in store. See list on the back page, & hope to see you there.

                                *     *

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?)